I am a focused, intelligent and enterprising young man. But enemies of my development will tell you otherwise. In their attempts to soil my good name. They will concoct fat lies. Most of them will paint me as lazy, and lacking a clear goal in life. May Jehovah and his angels forgive this sinners. Dear reader, please don't be cheated.

To make 2018 a success, I launched the year with beautiful resolutions. The kind of resolutions which make people jealous. Not lousy plans like "ntanunua kaploti huko Ngong", or to get a girlfriend before valentine's or I'll stop drinking(water that is). No! No! My resolutions were simple, achievable. The kind made only by highly intelligent beings such as I and Stephen Hawking. May God rest his soul in peace. A funny man, Hawking. He claims to have understood everything in the universe except women. Now, Kenyan ladies reading this, more so my friends Jemutai, Anne and her cabal of critics. I know you like to think of yourselves as mysterious and enigmas, crap! Kenyan men may not understand black holes as much as I and Hawking did, but they understand you!

Back to my award winning resolutions. They happen to be only three. 1.Grow fat and develop "kitambi" 2. Watch wrestle mania 34 , 3.Attend the FIFA world cup in Russia.
I am well on course to achieve number one. I have been eating a lot, staying indoors and sleeping like a cat. It's not an easy ride to lose a well structured six pack like mine. But I know, with God and lots of junk food, I'll emerge fat. Don't ask why I want to grow fat.

Haters will say  wrestle mania is for children. You have no idea what you're missing. I hate men, I don't watch it for scary bastards like the Undertaker or noisemakers like the New day. I watch it purely for the women's division. The amount of ass, cleavage and skin on display, damn! I also happen to have a wild crush on Asuka. I don't like her name, only her bosom. The way she dances in the ring after beating the hell out of her competitor, it just turns me on. It's a pity she lost to Charlotte. All in all I had to contend with  a repeat of wrestle mania. Because anybody serious about life can't wake up at 2.00 am to watch that stuff. Two resolutions achieved. 

This final resolution, if you're the stingy type, I urge you to stop reading. This resolution is reserved for the generous and those with the heart of helping. Whatever, I know you're stingy but curiosity has the better of you, so you read.
I want to attend the FIFA world cup in Russia. Now, I am appealing to all of you well wishers, haters, friends, lovers, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, future girlfriends, future wife and my lovely readers to contribute something small. Trust me I will go to Russia. "Ndogo ndogo hujaza kibaba".Correct not my Swahili, I hammered a strong and energetic D.

By Osoch Ogun.
Columnist, poet.

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