HOME IS A CASTLE OF STORIES

HE IS THE GUY

It happened by chance. Like all good things, and boy! It was good, our meeting. Well, I thought he was a woman. Let's say, you start chatting with a certain person you crossed paths with on a WhatsApp group. You're yet to save the number because you're nervous of asking the name. You don't wanna ruin the fun. Maybe they're called Shikwekwe  for fucks sake( Willy Paul) I don't mean it. But then, they ask your name. You tell them and they wonder loudly. Who in Christ's name is called Osoch Ogun? Then you have explain that "Osoch" you really have no idea how it came about. But Ogun, well that's a Nigerian God of fire and creativity.
"Cool" That's their reply. Cool as  cucumbers (who still uses such phrases) not me. Because the conversation is almost on it's death bed. You jump start it by asking them their name. And guess what they say. "I am Tinashe and I would like to know you more."
Who doesn't like such energy and enthusiasm. Because you know Tinashe is a girl name(that singer bitch). So you start knowing each other more.
Tinashe Bonde. Beacuse guy had no dp, I thought he was a lady. You also thought it was a lady, didn't you? Bad Manners, apparently guys in Zimbabwe are called Tinashe. This really broke my heart you know. Like why was God doing this to me ?? I thought I had met a South African flame from Zimbabwe. A girl with hips which can block the sunset. But one evening I'm viewing peoples status. On Tinashe's status, I run into this picture of a man with beards. To say I was gobsmacked, will be a gross understatement. I felt like throwing my phone against the damned wall. Then trample on it. I wasn't online for three straight fucking days. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that their was a guy on Tinashe's dp. So as to clear the air, I asked him sheepishly " Are you a guy."
"Yes man, I'm a guy." Now one weird thing is. In his texts, there are no traces of emojis. It scares me at times. I've wanted to ask him if emojis are banned down there in Zimbabwe. Or Mugabe at one time decreed that. Emojis will be used by him and him only and maybe his wife, once in a while. Should a common mwananchi be found using emojis they will be imprisoned for life with hard labour. Because Tinashe never uses emojis, his texts are as cold as they come. But he's a nice guy. And that's the bane of technology, it shields the goodness of other people. So we talked with Tinashe.
We talked about a lot of shit. How Mugabe is on his last erections. How the new man on top is no different. Come on guys??  Like seriously this crocodile fella served under Mugabe for not two, not ten, but twenty five freaking years. You really can't expect an old dog to learn new tricks. Or can you??
I learnt that Tinashe was studying geo informatics at this epic uni in harare. He is a motivational blogger, orator and speaker. What made me like him more was that he'd been reading my blog and was a great fan. Here I thought that the Gods must be crazy, like I have a fan in Zimland. But yet there's no bacon on my table. Then he dropped the motherfucking bombshell.
"Friend, your blog needs a new look."
That's Tinashe for you, straight forward, doesn't cut corners. I think he is one of those guys who walks up straight to a chick. And he's like.
"Girl, I like you."
Zimbabwe girls, I'm cocksure they will blush dreamily. And would be like.
"Okeey."
She's already thawing under his charm. And because Mr Tinashe doesn't like cutting corners, he will launch into the matter at hand.
"Girl, I like you, and want to bang the lights out of you today."
Well, the blog needed a new face for sure, but I didn't know how to go about it. People were telling me to build a website and all that stuff. But it ain't that easy you know. Money is needed to buy a domain, and I'm 18 freaking years. I still ask my father for money to buy bundles. So building a website was out of question. It was working with what I heard till a miracle happened. And miracles rarely happen to starving writers like me, but boy, a miracle did happen.
A miracle of miracles.
One evening, Tinashe, in his emojiless texts, says.
"Boss, I can build your website for free. Just give me your Google passwords and I'll set everything up."
We Kenyans are a people in love with free things, yours truly is no different. So I hit him back.
"That sounds cool, I'll get back to you."
Well, it was going to be a free service but there were a lots of red flag issues. I feared him and didn't trust his intentions. I needed to do a background check. You can't blame me, I'm Kenyan bwana. It's like if a person walks up to you and he's  like "Boss, help me with your atm pin. I will just check out some stuff on the account then everything will be cool."
That's how I pictured it when our hero asked for my Google passwords. I was reluctant to give it to him, I was afraid, I was scared shitless. Like this guy is in Zimbabwe, what if he takes off with my passwords and converts the site to be his. Then he texts me and says.
"Osoch, I have your blog hostage here in Harare. You should pay 10 billion Zimbabwean dollars for us to give you the passwords."
Because I don't negotiate with hackers, I'll be like.
"Go to hell."
And I'll lose my blog, I'll lose all my fans. And we would be forced to start from fucking zero. So yes, I had every damn right to be afraid.
But then, I visited his blog.
https://africanpridemotivation.blogspot.com/?m=1 .
And I thought, well, this is one kick-ass blog. I certainly want a blog like that. Where I can interact with readers easily through all social media platforms. Where readers can share easily. Bytha people used to text me and be like. "There are no sharing buttons on your blog." Well, they are here now, spread the gospel of kinasisi everywhere. On WhatsApp, on Facebook, on Twitter follow me on Instagram, I'll follow back for sure. Whatever fits you, and let's build one huge happy family.
I got over my fears. So I texted Tinashe, " man, why don't you build my blog as you said."
His reply.
"It's going to cost you."
But I thought you said, it was for free.
"That was then...things have changed, man, it was an offer."
Well right now I can't manage to pay coz I'm broke like shit. Furthermore, I'mma a young kid ja, I don't have money I can call mine.
I think Tinashe is a kiuk, man was bargaining tough.
"How much do you gat."
I've got nothing.
"We've got a situation here, you must provide something small."
But after an intense tug of war. We reached an agreement. Mr Tinashe would renovate the site, repaint it and I would allow him to have one advertising spot. A tit for tat. Scrub my back, I scrub yours. I thought, why not. So I gave him my passwords and here we are.
Tinashe, Thank you. The Gang is grateful too.
One thing I've learnt from my interaction with Tinashe is that, for you to move, you need to work with people. If you're alone you will remain stuck in that hole you are. So get out there, talk to strangers. You never know where your big break will come from. Okay, this ain't a big break for me, but the blog will be appealing to look at. The previous one looked like a high-school lunch of githeri. Combined with an afternoon math lesson. Fuck yes, it sucked.
Bytha, this post was a pilot to check out how this new outlook behaves. So please don't shy away, tell us how you like it. Subscribe too people, and receive the Wednesday posts straight from the kitchen, hot, right into your mail. 

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Photo credits [chief.sareto] on gram.
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