HOME IS A CASTLE OF STORIES

I'M SORRY, I QUIT

It was the inevitability that no convincing was going to stall. And as I sat there, I knew that it might be the last time I was seeing you. The last time to gaze at your hair, to smell your perfume, to feel your presence. That was the moment I should have said goodbye, but I could not, the sword of my decisions was dangling from above. Fear was creeping up on me  like a small time bandit. I stood up to leave,but before I could take a step, I found myself sitting again. Everyone turned, eyeing me with suspicion. In there looks, smoldering smirks mocking me.

“Motherfucking bastard! How can you dare interrupt our lecture?? Good for nothing imbecile! Get a life for Christ’s sake!!!”

The words roared like a volcano. Spewing all the vitriol,anger and dark emotions the human savage can muster. And I sucked them all in, like a spineless motherfucker. I could have shouted back,but no. My soul was beaten, tired and it lay prostate like a useless rag.

So I returned to my seat. The lecturer didn't say shit. He just shook his head and waited for the banter to die down.I think that inwardly he was cursing too. Frothing how we millennials are a lost people. Or maybe he was thinking of which chick he was going to take advantage of. You never really know with this generation X men.

I closed my eyes to let the pain suffuse through my body and when I when flung them open. There you were, looking at me. Our eyes locked in this adamantine gaze of a century. I could read the unsaid in your eyes. I could make out the pain hidden behind that smile. You really didn't want me to leave. And if I was doing it out of  love, most probably, I would have never left. I would have stuck in there with you. To cheer you up when the race gets tough. To comfort you when you get some F grades.

But then, it has never been about love. I don’t believe in that animal called love. I hear people talking about love and it beats me. It's like a native Kikuyu cucu who understands no other language, holding court with a luo dani. All they can do is gaze at each other, hurling small spears of suspicion. So each time I hear that some people are experiencing true love, a bolt of surprise sits in my heart. Anyway, don’t take me for some heartless monster. I am far from that,my love. I am cocksure that I feel something for you, only that I don't know what the hell it is. Do you know what it is?? I hope not. Let's not spoil the fun.

Out of the blues, that Fisi lecturer pointed at me. Apparently, he wanted yours truly to explain some theories of the past.

“What theories??”

I asked with boyish callowness. Carrying with it the rude tone of a boy who has been daydreaming in class. Everybody in that lecture hall burst into a brutal laugh. Like I was some visiting comedian, I too couldn't help it. The lecturer could take it no more, he pointed at me.

“Young man, get out my class.Disappear out of my sight before I call security. You think this is a brothel where you can say whatever the fuck you want??”

This was the moment I had been waiting for. I slowly lifted my backpack and walked out. At the doorway, I turned and smiled at you, then the rest of the class. I had so many friends in there, people who had become a part of me and me part of them. But my fate was sealed, my journey finished and my hopes of ever succeeding as a top shot lawyer squashed.

What I'm trying to say that is that I WALKED OUT OF LAW SCHOOL.

I headed straight to the registrar's office and told him that I wanted out. Homeboy couldn’t believe it. He smiled and asked if I was sure about the decision I was making. That I might regret it the future. That demons of this day might come for my head. He asked if I needed more time to think it out. Maybe I should go be advised more, or even go for prayers. But no, I needed no more advising. I needed no more prayers, I had made my decision. I had packed my bags. My heart was at sea, waiting for the winds and thus set off on a voyage, far from LAW SCHOOL. Far from anything law.

It was never my thing.

It happened some weeks back, it's kind of scary but I just had to. It had been a long time coming and it finally blew up. The center couldn't hold. The 1st person I called to inform of this “unfortunate” happening was my father. And guy took it like it was the most natural thing in the whole freaking  world.

“So you dropped out of law school?”

“Yes Dad, I had too. I want to learn something which aligns with my dreams. I'm sorry.”

“And so which course do you think fits you?”

This is the part I whispered a nimble Mass comm.

“It's your life boy. Do what you feel passionate about.”

Then he hang up on me. Fathers should stop hanging up on their sons. It's not fair.

With my mother, hell broke loose. The archangels of the underworld came hunting me down. I fretted, I won't lie. You all know how dramatic ladies can get, my mom is the queen in that department.

“Ati what did you say? I can't hear you boy.”

“ I am dropping law mum. Actually as we’re speaking, I have already dropped it.”

“Holy Mary, Joseph and Jesus! What kind of son did I get?”

“But Ma, my heart was not there.”

“What kind of nonsense is this! It's not a question of where your heart lies.We know that your heart is. On the left part of your chest. We’re talking of a job you dunderhead! Where will you get employed? How many people who did that Mass Comm and they are out tarmacking. Choose wisely, kid, choose wisely.” 

I listened all this time and a tear or two might have escaped me. My mom has that much effect on me. But still, law is a no go zone.

I just want to write, and write, and write. 

I can't blame my mum really. She had already bragged to all her friends. How her son was studying law. How he was going to be this learned friend emitting humongous English like the legendary PLO, and I'm sorry it's never going to pass. I'm not a fan of PLO, those bombastic words don't mean shit to me. I'm addicted to words, no doubt about that. But I like them simple, callow, untouched. I like my words being naive, but carrying with them the emotions of a whole generation. 

Do I feel guilty ??? A little.

My big bro has been my biggest fan in doing law, he studied Mass comm and negro is still out there tarmacking. So he never wanted me to do anything Mass comm. It's like a cancer to him. To motivate me in doing law, guy bought me this massive collection of John Grisham novels. He said that.

“They gonna help you with the courtroom stuff. But mostly, they will feed your imagination.”

My heart sunk. I didn't know what to say to him. I whispered a meek thank you, but the courage to tell him that I had dropped law wasn't there. He will learn of my truancy from here and that's a bit calming. How could I tell him that legal dramas don't fascinate me no longer? How could I tell him that John Grisham is such a boring writer? How could I tell him that Junot Diaz is the real shit? I thus lied. It's so easy to lie.

“Thanks bro. I won't let you down.”

I'm sorry I did.

Dropping law changes a lot of stuff.

I've told a few a people and they looked at  me like it's end of the world. I told Alvira, you remember her? From that RAFIKI movie. We were at Coldstone some moons back and girl gave me that Assassin look. Like she was going to stone me. Don't stone me Alvira… sawa. I hope we're still cool. Oh shit! You're a Gor Mahia fan. I'm toast. Gang, should anything happen to me, should I disappear mysteriously or more so a case stoning. Stoning of actual stones of course.  She's the one I swear!  Hunt her down.

When I go back to Gusii and word gets round that I dropped law. Mark you the village will light up with stories.

“Omoisia Ori mbosa kabisa! Aye Mogaka, Na gotebeti ng’a tarenge konyara. Arenge konya kweirora ga ng’a omonachi ebina. Obochinga bwoka! Biamosambire.”
Translating to. (That motherfucker, is so useless. Mogaka, I told you that he couldn't do it. He was bragging around that he's a lawyer, but he failed. Such a shithead. He's been cornered.”

And more people will rip me apart with damned rhetoric but I don't care. I made my choice.

Running away from law school has left me with this sick nostalgia in my throat. I might not have liked that class but the people had already sucked me in. I like people. Somehow, I belonged but now I have start from scratch again. I might be leaving, but a piece of my heart will there.

A small tribute to my law goons.

Milton, you will know more of him in future. He's my closest associate, and guy always makes it happen. Milton is the classical Frank Costello, negro always has plan. With his feet in both worlds. Runs with the hares but hunts with the wolves. To more life brother. Enter  Salaton, remember him?? That weird poetry fella, Aha! He's the true motherfucker! He brings life to a table or whatever place he goes. He's easy going and funny as hell too. But as a rule, I never laugh to a guy's jokes. So whenever Salaton says something witty and the rest of the table erupts, I remain stoic. Pretending that I never heard the joke. Salaton has lotsa stories from his high school days which will rip you apart. He's also a huge fan of the blog and he's always pushing me to write. Even when I told him that I was changing from law. It didn't come as a surprise. He didn't go bollocks like other people. This is what he said. No filters.

“I respect your decision man. I really do. You're the Bikozulu of our generation. Of us millennials.”

Ok, he pushed it too far, Bikozulu is on another planet, he's the Godfather.

Cheers Salaton. But please stop reading your poems to chicks. You make the rest of us appear like uncreative bastards. To more life brother and good luck in your poetry.

The law crew was really huge, it can fill a bus. The likes of Mitchell, Simon Peter, Rodgers, Ivy, Tracy, Robert, Kerubo, and a whole load of other crazy characters. Like one going by the name Alpha. He plays candy crush!!! For Christ's sake, I don't understand men who play that game. But he's always on his phone, and when he wins or whatever candy crush people do, he shouts.

"Relax!" Seriously Alpha.

Life must roll on.

I've cashed in all my chips, I've picked writing as my vocation and there's no turning back. The heart wants what it wants and there's no fighting it. People have warned me. Told me that I won't make it as a writer. That I will die unsuccessful, with bitter ash in my mouth. That nobody will ever read my stuff, that I won't make any money, but guess what?? Fuck em all!! I

With me I carry nothing, but the love to tell stories. I've set off on this race with nothing but dreams and propelling me is the angst of the future.

People have told me to have a fallback plan. But I fail to understand that concept. Of having something to fall back on. If I'm going to fall, I don't want to fall back on anything, except my fate. - Denzel Washington.

Are you doing something you hate?? Or love, why don't you drop a line below. It might mean a lot in this time of transition.

photo credits  [chief.sareto]

No comments:

Post a comment

Your thoughts?

© All rights reserved. Kinasisi. 2020